This is a post from associate therapist Corinne Crone. Corinne is a West Marin, California therapist who uses relational, transpersonal and integrative approaches to working with clients on challenges including trauma, life transitions, grief, existential themes such as meaning and purpose, spiritual inquiry, and non-ordinary states. You can learn more about Corinne from our recent therapist interview. You might also enjoy her recent post: How Do We Begin When We Don’t Know Where to Go? Making Space for Uncertainty in Uncertain Times.
Unveiling the Hidden Self: Navigating Sex, Shame, and Secrecy in Therapy
Puberty is a time of profound transformation, marked by the awakening of our emerging sexuality. This developmental threshold is often shaped not by open dialogue or affirmation, but by silence, secrecy, and confusion. In many families and communities, sexuality is either avoided or addressed in ways that instill fear, uncertainty or shame. Sometimes the harm comes not from what is said, but from what is left unsaid—the absence of warmth, of questions welcomed, of experiences named.
These early experiences are not just psychological—they’re embodied. For many, the first experiences of self-pleasure happen alone, and often in secret. The body learns quickly. If curiosity is met with fear—fear of being caught, fear of punishment, or even just the internalized discomfort of doing something “bad”—then the nervous system registers this coupling. Pleasure becomes wired to anxiety. Over time, these patterns shape not only how we relate to our own bodies but also how we experience intimacy, safety, and connection.
From a neuroscience perspective, this is the salience principle at work: what fires together, wires together (Hebb, 1949). When neural pathways for arousal, curiosity, and bodily pleasure repeatedly fire in conjunction with fear, guilt, or secrecy, those networks become deeply ingrained. The nervous system begins to associate sexual desire with activation of the stress response. This early conditioning can lead to adult experiences where pleasure feels unsafe, intimacy stirs anxiety, and embodiment itself feels elusive or out of reach.
In therapy, these patterns often emerge quietly. A client may not come in saying, “I feel shame about pleasure,” but it may show up in the pauses, the breath held, the way their body tenses when vulnerability arises. Therapy creates space for these shadowed aspects of self to surface, not through confrontation, but through gentle awareness. The therapist’s role is not to analyze or interpret too quickly, but to hold steady presence—creating an atmosphere of safety where the client’s body can begin to feel what it has long feared in the grounded presence of the therapeutic alliance.
As safety grows, new experiences begin to take shape. What was once coupled—pleasure and shame, desire and danger—can slowly begin to uncouple. With repetition, curiosity can be met with attunement rather than judgment. The body learns, gradually, that it can experience pleasure without collapse or overwhelm. In time, new connections form. The nervous system responds to the change in associations. Healing, in this sense, is not a return to an imagined purity, but a rediscovery of what has always been whole beneath the protections.
For therapists, especially those early in their practice, it’s vital to understand how deeply these patterns run—not only in the mind but in the tissue of the body, in the subtle cues of the nervous system. Holding space for clients navigating sex, shame, and secrecy requires presence, patience, and an embodied commitment to non-pathologizing care. The invitation is not to fix, but to witness—to accompany someone as they slowly reclaim the parts of themselves once banished into silence.
For those seeking therapy, these themes may feel intimidating to name, but they are welcome. The therapeutic relationship is a container where what was once hidden can begin to emerge, when held patiently with warmth and curiosity. In that spaciousness, the hidden self unfolds—not as a problem, but as a profound source of vitality, truth, and freedom.
As you journey through your own experiences, consider what parts of your identity, sexuality, or pleasure have remained in the shadows. What might it feel like to bring more presence into your body, to cultivate self-awareness, and allow yourself a greater repertoire of pleasure? The process of reclaiming these aspects is not about rushing toward resolution, but about allowing what has been hidden to emerge at its own pace. In the safety of a therapeutic relationship, healing becomes possible—not by changing who you are, but by coming into fuller resonance with your own aliveness.
If these reflections resonate with you, know that you’re not alone. Whether you are a therapist learning to hold this space or someone seeking healing within it, there is a profound invitation to healing. The path of integration is tender and deeply human—and you are worthy of walking it, one gentle step at a time.
Are you interested in learning more about working with Corinne Crone? You can contact her directly at [email protected], Phone: 541.655.3590, corinnecrone.com. You can also contact us at Center for Mindful Psychotherapy with inquiries.
Reference: Hebb, D. O. (1949). The organization of behavior: A neuropsychological theory. Wiley.
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