Infidelity

Infidelity

Infidelity is a relationship challenge that brings many people to therapy. There are many different situations in which this might occur. Each person’s beliefs, actions, reactions, and desired outcome may differ. One person might come to therapy alone to work through the betrayal or the couple might go to therapy together to see if they can move past it. You don’t have to have the answers before you come to therapy to ask the questions. Your therapist is there to assist you in figuring out how you want to cope with and grow from the infidelity that’s arisen in your life.

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What is infidelity?

Infidelity means different things to different people. You might be in a monogamous relationship in which your partner has been having an online affair with another person and that’s infidelity for you. Alternatively, you might be in a polyamorous relationship in which one of your partners has stepped outside the boundaries of your agreed upon relationship parameters and that’s infidelity for you. Or you might consider infidelity any number of other things.

Infidelity is not, therefore, the specific act, but rather a breach of trust that occurs when one or more individuals involved in a committed relationship engage in emotional or physical intimacy with someone outside the boundaries or agreements of that relationship.

What is infidelity?

Challenges individuals face regarding infidelity

Infidelity can present significant challenges for both the person who betrayed the trust and the person/people who was betrayed. In some cases, both/all partners feel betrayal. Here are just a few of the challenges that each may face:

Challenges for the Person Who Betrayed the Trust (Cheater):

  1. Guilt and Shame: This person often experiences overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame for their actions, especially if they regret their choices and the pain they’ve caused to their partner.
  2. Fear of Consequences: They may fear the consequences of their actions, such as the potential end of the relationship, damage to their reputation, or legal implications in certain situations.
  3. Communication Difficulties: Admitting the betrayal and discussing it with their partner can be extremely challenging. They may struggle with finding the right words and timing to have these difficult conversations.
  4. Self-Reflection and Accountability: To rebuild trust and repair the relationship, the person must take responsibility for their actions, which can involve deep self-reflection and acknowledging the reasons behind the betrayal.
  5. Rebuilding Trust: Regaining their partner’s trust can be a long and arduous process, requiring consistent effort and transparency. It’s a challenging task that may take a toll on their emotional well-being.

What is infidelity?

Challenges for the Person Who Was Betrayed:

  1. Emotional Trauma: Discovering infidelity can be emotionally devastating. The betrayed partner may experience intense emotions such as anger, hurt, sadness, and confusion.
  2. Trust Issues: The betrayal can erode the trust that was the foundation of the relationship. Rebuilding trust can be challenging, and the betrayed partner may struggle with ongoing trust issues even if they decide to stay in the relationship.
  3. Impact on Self-Esteem: Infidelity can erode the self-esteem and self-worth of the betrayed partner. Rebuilding self-confidence is crucial for healing.
  4. Decision-Making: They often face difficult decisions about whether to forgive, reconcile, or end the relationship. These decisions can be emotionally draining and may have a profound impact on their future.
  5. Emotional Healing: Healing from the emotional trauma of infidelity can take time and may require support from friends, family, or a therapist.
  6. Navigating a Changed Relationship: Whether they choose to stay together or separate, the dynamics of the relationship will likely change. Adapting to these changes can be challenging.
  7. Coping with Triggers: Certain situations or reminders of the infidelity may trigger painful emotions, making it difficult for the betrayed partner to move forward.

Challenges couples/partners face regarding infidelity

Challenges couples/partners face regarding infidelity

Infidelity can present unique challenges to a relationship that differ from the challenges faced by the individuals involved. These relationship-specific challenges can strain the partnership in various ways. Here are some of the additional challenges that the relationship itself may encounter:

  1. New Boundaries: After infidelity, couples may need to renegotiate and establish new boundaries and expectations within the relationship. This process can be complicated and require open and honest communication.
  2. Rekindling Intimacy: Restoring emotional and physical intimacy can be challenging. The emotional wounds caused by infidelity may hinder the ability of partners to connect intimately.
  3. Resentment and Anger: Both partners may grapple with lingering resentment and anger. These negative emotions can create a hostile environment within the relationship if not addressed.
  4. Third-Party Intrusion: Infidelity often involves a third party, which can complicate matters further. Dealing with the presence or absence of the third party can be challenging for the relationship. Outside of that third party, the relationship may face external judgment and stigma from friends, family, or society in general. Coping with these external pressures can be an added challenge.
  5. Long-Term Effects: The impact of infidelity can have long-term consequences on the relationship. It may affect the level of satisfaction, increase the likelihood of future conflicts, and change the dynamics between partners.
  6. Rebuilding a Shared Future: Couples may need to reevaluate their shared goals, plans, and vision for the future. Infidelity can disrupt these plans and necessitate a reassessment.
  7. Learning and Growth: Despite the difficulties, some couples can emerge from infidelity with a stronger, more resilient relationship. It can be an opportunity for personal growth and learning about each other and themselves.

Individual vs. Couples Therapy for Infidelity

Individual vs. Couples Therapy for Infidelity

You may choose to go to therapy by yourself, with your partner(s) or some combination of both.

Individual therapy for infidelity

Individual therapy can be beneficial if one or both partners are not yet ready or willing to engage in couples therapy due to unresolved emotions or resistance. It allows individuals to focus on their own personal growth, self-discovery, and healing without the immediate pressure of addressing relationship issues.

It focuses on the emotional and psychological well-being of one of the partners (either party) rather than the relationship as a whole. For the betrayed partner, individual therapy can provide a safe space to explore and process their emotions, gain insights into their reactions, and work on rebuilding self-esteem and self-worth. For the partner who cheated, individual therapy can help them understand the underlying reasons for their actions, address any personal issues or vulnerabilities, and develop strategies for personal growth and self-improvement.

Couples therapy for infidelity

Couples therapy helps couples work through the emotional turmoil, communication breakdowns, and trust issues that arise from infidelity, with the guidance of a trained therapist. It specifically addresses the relationship. In couples therapy, both partners are held accountable for their actions, and they work together to find solutions and create a healthier relationship.

Couples therapy can teach effective communication skills and conflict resolution techniques, which are crucial for addressing infidelity and preventing future issues. It provides a structured setting for both partners to openly discuss their feelings, thoughts, and concerns and develop strategies for rebuilding trust and repairing the relationship.

Benefits of Therapy for Infidelity ... It's not always about staying together

Benefits of Therapy for Infidelity … It’s not always about staying together

Therapy for infidelity can offer numerous benefits, regardless of whether the goal is to stay together as a couple or to go separate ways. One or more of you may wish to stay together or you might not yet know what you want. Either way, you can experience benefits of therapy, including couples therapy, for infidelity.

Here are some of the advantages of therapy for infidelity when the outcome is not necessarily centered on staying together:

  1. Emotional Healing: Therapy provides a safe and supportive environment for individuals to process their emotions related to the infidelity. It allows them to express their hurt, anger, sadness, and confusion, facilitating emotional healing.
  2. Understanding the Root Causes: Therapy can help both partners gain insight into the underlying issues that contributed to the infidelity. This understanding can be valuable for personal growth and future relationship dynamics, whether together or with other partners.
  3. Improved Communication: Therapy teaches effective communication skills, which are valuable in addressing the emotional aftermath of infidelity. These skills can be applied to any future relationships or interactions with the ex-partner.
  4. Co-Parenting: In cases where the couple has children together, therapy can assist in establishing healthy co-parenting strategies and maintaining a cooperative relationship for the well-being of the children.
  5. Setting Boundaries: Therapy helps individuals and couples set clear boundaries and expectations, which can be particularly important when transitioning to a co-parenting or separated arrangement. This is also important within the new relationship if you choose to stay together.
  6. Empowerment: Therapy empowers individuals to make informed decisions about their futures, whether that involves reconciling, separating, or embarking on new relationships.
  7. Stress Reduction: The emotional turmoil caused by infidelity can be incredibly stressful. Therapy offers coping strategies and stress management techniques to help individuals navigate this difficult period.
  8. Creating a Healthy Ending: For some individuals, therapy can help provide closure to a relationship that has been affected by infidelity. It allows them to make sense of what happened and find a path forward, whether that involves staying together or parting ways. When a relationship ends, therapy can assist in creating a healthy and respectful closure, minimizing additional emotional harm.
  9. Moving Forward: Therapy provides a roadmap for moving forward in life after infidelity, helping individuals rebuild their self-esteem, self-worth, and overall well-being.

Things to Consider When Choosing a Therapist for Infidelity

Things to Consider When Choosing a Therapist for Infidelity

The most important thing when seeking a therapist for infidelity is to make sure that all involved parties feel relatively comfortable with the therapist. Discuss the therapist’s approach and philosophy regarding infidelity and relationship therapy. Ensure that their values and methods align with your preferences and comfort level.

Consider your own comfort level with the therapist’s gender and their cultural sensitivity. A therapist who understands and respects diverse backgrounds and identities can provide a more inclusive and supportive environment. This may be particularly important if you are in a relationship other than a cis heterosexual monogamous relationship.

Types of Therapy for Infidelity

There are many different approaches to therapy beyond just “individual” or “couples” therapy. You will work with your therapist to find the way forward that makes the most sense for you. Some common options include:

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT):

EFT focuses on understanding and improving emotional bonds between partners. It can help couples process emotions related to infidelity and rebuild their emotional connection.

Imago Relationship Therapy:

Imago therapy emphasizes understanding childhood and past experiences that may influence current relationship dynamics. It can help couples gain insight into their relationship patterns and address infidelity-related issues.

Somatic Experiencing (SE):

SE is a body-focused therapy that helps individuals process and release stored trauma or stress related to infidelity. It can be particularly useful when there are physical symptoms or somatic responses to the emotional distress.

Gottman Method Couples Therapy:

This approach is based on research and focuses on strengthening the foundation of a relationship. It can help couples rebuild trust, improve communication, and develop conflict resolution skills.

Things to Consider When Choosing a Therapist for Infidelity

Attachment-Based Therapy:

This approach explores how attachment styles and early attachment experiences may contribute to relationship dynamics and infidelity. It can be used to promote more secure attachments in adult relationships.

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT):

CBT can help individuals and couples identify and change negative thought patterns and behaviors related to infidelity. It can be especially useful for addressing trust issues and coping with distressing emotions.

Sex Therapy:

Infidelity often has implications for sexual intimacy. Sex therapy can address sexual concerns, communication, and issues related to sexual satisfaction and desire in the aftermath of infidelity.

Things to Consider When Choosing a Therapist for Infidelity

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT):

ACT focuses on accepting past actions while committing to values-based actions in the present and future. It can help couples align their values and work toward a healthier relationship.

Narrative Therapy:

This approach helps individuals and couples reframe their personal narratives surrounding infidelity, allowing them to make sense of their experiences and move forward in a more empowering way.

Discernment Counseling:

This type of counseling is designed for couples who are unsure about the future of their relationship following infidelity. It helps them clarify their options and make an informed decision about reconciliation or separation.

Next Steps

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