At Center for Mindful Psychotherapy, many of our clients are high functioning professionals, artists, and leaders in the Bay Area. They often come in exhausted, confused about why their energy reserves are constantly depleted despite their best efforts at self care. As a former tech professional who understands the unique pressures of performance culture, Associate MFT Rachel Lefkowitz Parnes specializes in supporting clients through burnout, stress, and Nervous System Regulation. Her insight is critical: often, the biggest energy sinks aren’t external deadlines, but subtle, psychological habits running in the background. In this post, Rachel breaks down three of these quiet drains, explaining the science behind why they deplete us, and offering actionable, evidence based ways to shift the pattern.
3 Quiet Habits That Drain Your Energy (And How to Break the Cycle)
by Rachel Lefkowitz Parnes, MA, AMFT
Why even high-achieving people feel depleted — and what the science says about getting your energy back.
Many people come into therapy saying the same thing:
“I’m exhausted… but I’m not even doing anything that different.”
Often, the source isn’t a lack of sleep, nutrition, or motivation.
It’s the psychological habits running in the background — subtle patterns that shape how your nervous system uses energy without you realizing it.
Below are three habits that quietly deplete your emotional and cognitive resources, why they show up, and evidence-based ways to shift them.
1. People-Pleasing: The Habit of Self-Abandonment
People-pleasing isn’t about being “nice.”
It’s a survival strategy many of us learned early on:
If I take care of everyone else, I’ll stay safe, connected, and avoid conflict.
Why it drains your energy (the science)
People-pleasing activates the fawn response, a lesser-known branch of the fight/flight system. Research shows that chronic fawning keeps the sympathetic nervous system activated, leading to emotional exhaustion and hypervigilance (Ogden, Minton & Pain, 2006).
People who chronically prioritize others over themselves also show increased rates of:
- Burnout
- Resentment
- Decision fatigue
- Somatic symptoms like headaches and tension (Taylor et al., 2020)
Signs you’re doing this
- You feel depleted after social interactions
- You resent commitments you agreed to
- You over-manage or over-prepare to “keep everyone okay”
How to interrupt the pattern
Start with micro-interventions:
A daily self check-in:
“What do I need right now?”
Research shows that interoceptive awareness — tuning into internal signals — increases boundary-setting capacity and reduces stress load (Farb et al., 2013).
Ask for one small need to be met, even if it’s tiny.
You’re rewiring your system to understand that your needs matter, too.
2. Worrying: The Mental Habit That Hijacks Your Future
Worrying is your mind trying (and failing) to predict a safer future.
It’s not a moral failing — it’s cognitive overactivity.
Why it drains your energy (the science)
When you’re stuck in worry loops, the Default Mode Network (DMN) becomes overactive. This part of the brain lights up during:
- Rumination
- Over-analysis
- Imagining worst-case scenarios
Research at Stanford, Yale, and Harvard links DMN hyperactivity to anxiety, decreased cognitive flexibility, and chronic mental fatigue (Raichle, 2015; Hamilton
Rachel skillfully illustrates that the feeling of depletion is rooted not in weakness, but in the excessive energy demands of childhood adaptations. The habits of people pleasing, overthinking, and hyper responsibility are brilliant survival strategies that once kept you safe, but now keep your foot on the emotional gas pedal. To truly break the cycle, we must move beyond simply managing the symptoms; we must heal the underlying dysregulation. Therapists at the Center for Mindful Psychotherapy use specialized trauma informed approaches, such as Psychodynamic and Attachment Therapy, to address the root causes of these learned behaviors. By bringing non judgemental awareness to these patterns in the safety of the therapeutic relationship, we can help you reclaim your energy and develop an authentic capacity for self care and rest.
et al., 2011).
Essentially: Your brain is burning energy solving problems that do not exist yet.
Signs you’re doing this
- You replay conversations
- You think through every possible outcome
- You anticipate how others might react
How to interrupt the pattern
Use the body as the anchor:
- Notice the loop (“Ah, my mind is predicting again.”)
- Drop attention into the body
- Where do you feel the worry?
- What’s the sensation? Tightness? Heat? Movement?
Somatic attention pulls the system out of the DMN and into present-moment networks that lower physiological stress (Farb et al., 2007; Brewer et al., 2011).
This isn’t about “stopping” the thoughts — it’s about shifting the state they come from.
3. Over-Functioning: The Invisible Energy Leak of High Performers
Over-functioning means doing more than your emotional share — taking responsibility for tasks, feelings, or outcomes that aren’t yours to carry.
This habit is especially common in high-achieving, self-reliant adults who grew up needing to be the competent one.
Why it drains your energy (the science)
Chronic over-functioning elevates cortisol and keeps your system in anticipatory stress, where your brain is constantly scanning for what needs to be handled next (Sapolsky, 2004).
Research on role overload shows that people who take on more responsibility than is realistic experience:
- Higher rates of burnout
- Difficulty resting
- Lower emotional resilience
- Impaired decision-making (Bowling & Kirkendall, 2012)
Signs you’re doing this
- You feel responsible for “keeping everything together”
- You struggle to rest even when you’re exhausted
- You feel tension or irritability when others aren’t doing things “right”
How to interrupt the pattern
Use the “What’s Mine to Carry?” method:
- Write down everything you’re holding — emotional, mental, logistical.
- Circle only what is actually yours.
- Practice letting the rest belong to others.
Allowing something to be “good enough” (instead of perfect) retrains your nervous system to tolerate shared responsibility.
Why These Habits Are So Common
These patterns often come from earlier environments where:
- You had to grow up fast
- Emotional needs were minimized or unpredictable
- Approval meant safety
- Being in control meant being okay
In adulthood, they become invisible drains on your energy — until they don’t.
Awareness is the first step.
Relearning how to listen to your body, set boundaries, and share responsibility is how you get your energy back.
If You Recognize Yourself Here…
You’re not alone — and nothing is “wrong” with you.
These habits are learned adaptations, not flaws.
The good news:
They are also changeable with support, mindfulness, somatic awareness, and relational healing.
If you want help untangling these patterns and rebuilding a life that feels grounded and spacious, I’m here.
Rachel skillfully illustrates that the feeling of depletion is rooted not in weakness, but in the excessive energy demands of childhood adaptations. The habits of people pleasing, overthinking, and hyper responsibility are brilliant survival strategies that once kept you safe, but now keep your foot on the emotional gas pedal. To truly break the cycle, we must move beyond simply managing the symptoms; we must heal the underlying dysregulation. Many therapists at the Center for Mindful Psychotherapy use specialized trauma informed approaches to address the root causes of these learned behaviors. By bringing non judgemental awareness to these patterns in the safety of the therapeutic relationship, we can help you reclaim your energy and develop an authentic capacity for self care and rest.
Learn More:
- You can learn more about working with Rachel by reading her Conversations with Clinicians interview.
- Find Rachel’s bio and contact information in our therapist directory.
- Read Rachel’s blog post: A Therapist’s View: Why “Not Enoughness” Is Everywhere Right Now; this blog post includes a video to help you get to know Rachel a little bit more.