Many people who struggle with codependency find themselves in relationships where they overextend, over-accommodate, and put others’ needs before their own. They may feel obligated to forgive endlessly, avoid conflict, and always “take the high road.” While kindness and compassion are essential in relationships, when these values are used to suppress real emotions or avoid necessary boundaries, they can become a form of spiritual bypassing—a way of avoiding true self-awareness and healing.
Spiritual bypassing occurs when spiritual concepts, beliefs, or practices are used to dismiss, invalidate, or escape from difficult emotions or relational struggles. It often leads people to suppress anger, stay in unhealthy relationships, or blame themselves for interpersonal difficulties, all in the name of being “enlightened” or “spiritually evolved.” When combined with codependency, spiritual bypassing reinforces the belief that setting boundaries is selfish, prioritizing your own needs is unspiritual, and enduring mistreatment is a form of virtue.
But true healing isn’t about bypassing pain—it’s about confronting it. Understanding the connection between spiritual bypassing and codependency can help you recognize unhealthy patterns and develop a more grounded, authentic approach to both relationships and personal growth.
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What Is Spiritual Bypassing?
The term spiritual bypassing was first coined by psychologist John Welwood in the 1980s. It describes the tendency to use spiritual beliefs or practices to avoid dealing with emotional wounds, unresolved trauma, or unhealthy relational patterns. While spiritual growth can be deeply healing, when it is used to dismiss, avoid, or numb reality, it can become an unhealthy defense mechanism.
Signs of Spiritual Bypassing in Relationships:
- Using forgiveness as an excuse to avoid addressing mistreatment or setting boundaries
- Believing that “everything happens for a reason” to justify staying in unhealthy situations
- Avoiding conflict at all costs in the name of “keeping the peace”
- Suppressing anger, resentment, or hurt because they are seen as “low vibration” or “unenlightened” emotions
- Taking sole responsibility for relationship struggles, believing that if you “heal enough,” the other person will change
- Feeling guilty for prioritizing your own needs, believing that true spirituality means being selfless
Spiritual bypassing can cause deep harm when it prevents individuals from acknowledging their needs, enforcing boundaries, or recognizing when a relationship is unhealthy.
How Spiritual Bypassing Reinforces Codependency
Codependency and spiritual bypassing often reinforce one another, creating a cycle where self-sacrifice, emotional suppression, and avoidance of boundaries are mistaken for spiritual virtues. Below are key ways these patterns overlap.
1. The Belief That “Good” People Always Forgive
Codependent individuals often feel compelled to forgive, overlook, and rationalize mistreatment in order to keep relationships intact. Spiritual bypassing reinforces this by suggesting that holding someone accountable or walking away from a harmful relationship is a failure of compassion.
This can sound like:
- “I need to keep my heart open and forgive, no matter what.”
- “If I were truly evolved, I wouldn’t be upset—I’d just let it go.”
- “Love is unconditional, so I have to accept people as they are.”
While forgiveness can be healing, true forgiveness does not mean tolerating harm. You can forgive someone and still enforce boundaries that protect your well-being.
2. Avoiding Boundaries in the Name of Love and Compassion
Many people struggling with codependency have been conditioned to prioritize others over themselves. Spiritual bypassing reinforces this by framing boundaries as unkind or spiritually unevolved.
This can sound like:
- “If I really loved them, I wouldn’t need boundaries.”
- “I should just trust the universe and let things be.”
- “They are struggling, so I need to hold space for them instead of focusing on my own discomfort.”
In reality, healthy relationships require boundaries. Love and compassion do not mean self-sacrifice or tolerating behaviors that harm you. Setting boundaries is an act of self-respect, not selfishness.
3. The Idea That Suffering in Relationships is a “Spiritual Lesson”
Spiritual bypassing can lead codependent individuals to rationalize unhealthy relationships as necessary growth experiences. Instead of recognizing red flags, they may convince themselves that the difficulties are a test of their strength, patience, or enlightenment.
This can sound like:
- “I’m meant to learn something from this relationship, so I have to stay.”
- “This pain is helping me grow, so I shouldn’t resist it.”
- “If I leave, I’m failing my spiritual journey.”
While relationships can be powerful teachers, staying in a harmful situation is not a requirement for personal growth. Healing often involves walking away from situations that are damaging to your well-being.
4. Suppressing “Negative” Emotions Instead of Processing Them
Codependent individuals often struggle to express anger, disappointment, or frustration, fearing it will push people away. Spiritual bypassing reinforces this suppression by labeling these emotions as low vibration or spiritually immature.
This can sound like:
- “Anger is toxic—I need to stay positive.”
- “Being upset means I’m not aligned with higher consciousness.”
- “I should just be grateful instead of feeling hurt.”
True healing doesn’t come from ignoring emotions—it comes from processing them in a healthy way. Suppressing emotions does not make them go away; it only drives them deeper into the subconscious, where they manifest as resentment, burnout, or physical stress.
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How to Break Free from Spiritual Bypassing and Codependency
Healing requires reclaiming your sense of self, allowing yourself to feel difficult emotions, and understanding that boundaries are an essential part of healthy relationships. Here’s how to start:
1. Recognize That Boundaries Are Not Barriers to Love
One of the most damaging misconceptions about boundaries is that they are a form of rejection, selfishness, or withdrawal from relationships. In reality, healthy boundaries are an essential part of meaningful, sustainable connections.
Boundaries allow individuals to show up authentically and securely in their relationships by defining what is and isn’t acceptable behavior. Without boundaries, people can fall into patterns of resentment, burnout, or emotional enmeshment, where one person’s needs consistently overshadow another’s. A boundary is not a punishment—it is a form of self-care and self-respect.
Setting limits in relationships does not mean cutting people off or withholding love; rather, it creates the necessary emotional structure for deeper trust, respect, and understanding. Therapy can help individuals identify where their lack of boundaries is leading to exhaustion or unhealthy relationship dynamics, and provide strategies to set and maintain limits with clarity and confidence.
2. Let Go of the Need to Be “Good” at the Expense of Your Well-Being
For those struggling with codependency and spiritual bypassing, being a “good” person often means prioritizing kindness, patience, and forgiveness above all else—even when it comes at the cost of their own emotional well-being.
There is often a deep-seated belief that being selfless equates to being morally or spiritually superior, leading individuals to tolerate mistreatment, suppress their needs, and sacrifice personal happiness in an effort to maintain an idealized image of goodness.
However, true well-being is not achieved through relentless self-sacrifice. Learning to prioritize yourself without guilt does not mean becoming selfish or abandoning compassion—it means recognizing that your needs matter just as much as everyone else’s.
Healing requires unlearning the belief that suffering in relationships is a sign of virtue, and instead embracing the idea that healthy relationships involve mutual care and respect. Therapy can help untangle feelings of guilt or obligation and teach individuals how to make choices based on self-worth rather than self-sacrifice.
3. Allow Yourself to Feel and Express All Emotions
Many people caught in the cycle of spiritual bypassing and codependency believe that certain emotions—such as anger, disappointment, or grief—are inherently negative or “low vibration.” They may have been taught that experiencing or expressing these emotions is a sign of spiritual immaturity or emotional weakness.
However, all emotions serve a purpose. Anger can signal a violation of personal boundaries, sadness can indicate a need for healing or reflection, and disappointment can highlight unmet expectations that need to be addressed. Suppressing these emotions does not make them disappear—it only buries them deeper, where they often manifest as anxiety, resentment, or physical symptoms like fatigue or tension.
Therapy can provide a safe space to explore and express emotions without shame, helping individuals recognize that feeling deeply is not a failure—it is part of being fully human.
4. Shift from Over-Giving to Mutual Reciprocity
A core struggle for many codependent individuals is the tendency to over-give in relationships while receiving little in return.
While generosity and kindness are important, when giving becomes compulsive, it is often driven by fear rather than love—fear of rejection, fear of not being enough, or fear of losing the relationship. Over-giving can create unhealthy dynamics where one person consistently over-functions while the other under-functions, leading to emotional exhaustion and unbalanced relationships.
Shifting from over-giving to mutual reciprocity means recognizing that relationships should be built on equal energy exchange—both people should be giving and receiving in ways that feel sustainable and fulfilling. It involves learning to say no without guilt, allowing others to take responsibility for themselves, and fostering connections where both individuals feel valued and supported.
Therapy can help identify patterns of over-functioning and provide guidance on how to engage in relationships from a place of balance rather than self-sacrifice.
5. Work with a Therapist Who Understands the Intersection of Spirituality and Emotional Health
Many individuals struggling with spiritual bypassing and codependency feel torn between their spiritual beliefs and their emotional needs. They may worry that setting boundaries, expressing anger, or walking away from unhealthy relationships contradicts their values of love and compassion.
This is why working with a therapist who understands both psychological healing and spiritual exploration can be essential. A therapist with expertise in trauma, relational dynamics, and spiritual frameworks can help individuals unpack harmful belief systems, process emotions in a healthy and constructive way, and develop a more grounded, authentic approach to personal growth and relationships. Instead of bypassing pain in the name of spirituality, therapy helps individuals integrate self-awareness, emotional regulation, and healthy relational skills into their spiritual practice—allowing for true healing rather than avoidance.
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