This is a guest post from our associate therapist Emily Webb. Emily’s approach to therapy is warm and relational. She is passionate about healing religious and spiritual trauma, supporting LGBTQ people and families, addiction recovery, grief/illness and empowering women facing maternal mental health challenges. You can learn more about working with Emily from her therapist bio and this therapist interview.
For years, I worked for hospice, visiting dying people and their families in their homes. This is very intimate work, and for me it felt sacred. I will always remember one particular woman, who I will call Marie. When I first visited with Marie, I noticed that she had a very attentive spouse, Anthony, who had kind eyes and was devoted to Marie’s care.
In my hospice work, I often got to know elderly couples who had been together for many, many years. Assuming this was the case for Marie and Anthony, I casually asked about their relationship, expecting to year “oh yes we have been together for 50 years….” or something similar. However, what happened then has stayed with me for years since. Marie looked up at me from her hospital bed and said “Oh? Anthony. Yes” she gave me a huge smile “He is my fourth, and by far my best –husband. We have been together for two years.
That moment stayed with me, especially as I quietly wrestled with my own marriage at the time.
Seeing Marie cared for by her fourth husband—on her deathbed, without shame or regret—helped me question everything I thought I knew about love, commitment, and the value of “not settling.”
It made me realize that divorce, or having multiple marriages, isn’t a failure or an ending. It can be a gateway to new growth and deeper love.
This perspective matters to me because so many people feel trapped by the fear of shame, failure, or judgment when considering divorce or reexamining their relationships. My experience, both personal and professional, has taught me that discerning—thoughtfully considering whether to stay or leave—is not only valid, but essential. Therapy can be a powerful tool for this process, helping people clarify their values, hopes, and possibilities, rather than simply “fixing” what’s broken.
THE COMMON UNDERSTANDING (AND WHY I SEE IT DIFFERENTLY)
The dominant cultural narrative around marriage is that the “best” relationships are lifelong, uninterrupted, and free from significant rupture. We are taught to see divorce as a failure. Many clients come to therapy feeling enormous pressure to “make it work,” even when their needs and dreams have evolved beyond what their marriage can offer.
It’s understandable why people think this way. Our society celebrates longevity and stability, and there’s comfort in believing that love, once found, should last forever. Families, faith communities, and even therapists sometimes reinforce the idea that divorce is a tragedy, rather than a transition. This is particularly true when the couple has kids.
What’s missing from this narrative is the recognition that love, growth, and fulfillment can happen at any stage of life—and sometimes, leaving is the most loving choice. We rarely talk about how discerning whether to stay or leave can be an act of courage, self-respect, and hope. We overlook the possibility that each relationship, even those that end, can be a source of learning and flourishing.
My perspective is that therapy for discerning in marriage isn’t about convincing someone to stay or leave. It’s about creating space to explore possibilities, clarify values, and imagine new ways of loving. Divorce doesn’t have to be a source of shame; it can be a doorway to new beginnings. It is another beginning.
MY PERSPECTIVE AND WHY IT MATTERS
My clinical lens on discerning in marriage is shaped by the stories I’ve witnessed—both in hospice and in my own life. Marie’s radiant acceptance of her fourth marriage, even at the end of her life, taught me that love is not defined by duration, but by depth, care, and mutual growth.
When I eventually divorced myself, I discovered firsthand that leaving a marriage, though painful, was not the end of my story. It was the start of new chapters—relationships where I learned, grew, and flourished in ways I couldn’t have imagined in my twenties.
Another invaluable tool for me during this time was a therapy group for moms who were divorcing. Whatever stereotype I had in mind about what a “divorced mom” was quickly shattered by the smart, thoughtful, beautiful, and brave women sitting in that group therapy circle. Hearing the real truth about people’s frustrations and disappointments in their marriages was soul food for me, given how much embarrassment and shame I had to move through in my own process. There is nothing like peer support to remind us that we are not alone, and that our stories—however messy or complicated—are worthy of compassion and respect.
Therapy, whether individual or group, can be a powerful ally in this process.
Rather than rushing to “fix” the marriage or push toward divorce, discerning therapy invites clients to slow down, reflect, and ask: What do I truly want? What are my values now? And what possibilities exist for love, connection, and fulfillment—whether within this relationship or beyond it?
What matters most in this work is honoring the complexity of each person’s journey. There is no single “right” answer, and no shame in choosing the path that fits your evolving self. Therapy for discerning is not about fixing a problem—it’s about supporting you as you navigate choices, losses, and new beginnings.
WHAT THIS LOOKS LIKE IN MY PRACTICE
In my practice, discerning therapy starts with curiosity and compassion. I invite clients to talk openly about their doubts, hopes, and fears, without pressure to decide quickly or conform to expectations. We explore the history of the relationship, what has changed, and what each partner needs now. Sometimes, we use discernment counseling techniques—structured conversations that clarify whether to commit to working on the marriage or to move toward separation.
For some clients, this means naming the pain and disappointment that has accumulated over years, and imagining what healing might look like. For others, it’s about rediscovering connection and possibility within the marriage. And for many, it’s about grieving what’s lost, celebrating what was beautiful, and opening to new chapters.
I share my own experiences when helpful, normalizing the reality that divorce is not the end, but a transition. I encourage clients to see themselves as learners, not failures, and to honor the wisdom gained from every relationship. The goal is not to “fix” the marriage or rush toward divorce, but to support thoughtful, intentional choices that align with each person’s values and dreams.
WHO RESONATES WITH THIS PERSPECTIVE
This approach resonates with individuals and couples who are feeling stuck, uncertain, or overwhelmed by the prospect of staying or leaving. It’s especially meaningful for those who have internalized shame or fear around divorce, or who worry about disappointing family or community. If you are wrestling with big questions about your marriage, and want a space to explore possibilities without judgment or pressure, discerning therapy may be a good fit.
I find that clients who value self-reflection, growth, and authenticity connect deeply with this work. It’s also helpful for people who want to honor their history, but are ready to imagine new futures—whether within the marriage or beyond it.
MY APPROACH TO THIS WORK
My values in discerning therapy are rooted in honesty, compassion, and respect for each person’s journey. I believe that love can take many forms. And that there is no shame in choosing the path that fits your evolving self. My stance is nonjudgmental and collaborative. I walk alongside clients as they clarify their values, mourn losses, and imagine new possibilities.
What matters most to me is supporting people as they re-examine their assumptions about love, commitment, and fulfillment. I believe that every relationship, whether it lasts two years or fifty, can be a source of growth and meaning. My broader philosophy is that therapy is a place to honor your story, trust your wisdom, and discover what’s possible when you refuse to settle.
If you are wrestling with big questions about your marriage or relationship—wondering whether to stay, leave, or reimagine what’s possible—I invite you to consider discerning therapy. There is no shame in exploring your options, and no single “right” answer. Your story is yours to write, and love can be found in unexpected places and times. If you’re ready to clarify your values, honor your journey, and imagine new beginnings, let’s connect. Therapy can help you discern, grow, and flourish—no matter where your path leads.
Connect with Emily Webb
Emily reminds us that the relationships we build are inseparable from the inner work we are willing to do. The path through divorce is rarely clean or linear. But it can become a profound journey of self-discovery. When we examine our patterns, something genuinely new can grow. Many therapists at the Center for Mindful Psychotherapy specialize in supporting women through divorce, unpartnering, and major life transitions. We can help you grieve what was. We can help you understand yourself more fully. And we can help you move toward the life and love you actually want.