Today’s post was written by our Associate Therapist Dani Gotwalt. Learn more about working with her here.
Despite being a therapist who specializes in grief and has experienced my own losses, there are times when someone in my life suffers a loss and I find myself frantically trying to find the “right words” to show them support. This happened a year ago and, in a moment of uncertainty, I took my question to google. The results were terrible, predominantly clichés that I remember hating when I experienced the sudden loss of my father 16 years ago. Sayings like “They are in a better place,” “Everything happens for a reason”, or “Time heals all wounds.”
I ran a grief group a few years ago and one of our most engaging nights stemmed from a conversation about so many of those popular “grief” sayings. They may come from a good place, but can make those grieving end up feeling really empty, isolated, and dismissed. So if perhaps an uncertain Google search has brought you here, I want to offer up some alternatives of what you can say to someone grieving.
But first, a few important notes about grief:
1) No two people grieve alike. When my father died, my sister and I processed the loss in nearly opposite ways. Neither way was good or bad, it was unique to us and our relationship with him. I see this uniqueness in my clients and friends when they experience a loss. So when I approach someone grieving, I do hold my experience in the back of my mind, but I also hold A LOT of space for how their particular grief is being expressed, without assuming we will in any way look the same. There is a chance these suggestions I offer below will not resonate for the grieving person in your life. The guarantee of anything fitting every person or situation is a fallacy (albeit a comforting one).
2) You will not be able to take away their pain. There can be this idea that if we say the right thing, we will make our person’s grief diminish. I personally believe grief is an expression of love – that missing their beloved person is not something we need to fix. I hope this can take some of the pressure off of the specific anxiety of “What do I say?!?” It will also be important to practice good self care, so that you can be comfortable with the discomfort of sitting with someone’s pain.
3) It is important to acknowledge their loss. They may not want to talk about it, but there will be others in their lives who, for a variety of reasons, may not feel comfortable or able to acknowledge their loss. Loss can feel isolating and, depending on the type of loss, alienating and stigmatizing. I remember it stinging when family, friends, and community members didn’t mention my father. While I hold an understanding now that perhaps they were uncomfortable or were worried that mentioning it to me would hurt, the lack of acknowledgment felt like they were saying “we don’t want to talk about your loss.”
What to say to someone grieving:
- Be specific to the griever or the person they lost. Rather than the “one size fits all” sayings for bereavement, say something personalized. For example “I know how much this person meant to you, given how you two met and the experiences you shared in high school.” This is tricky if the person grieving is someone you don’t know well but I encourage you to try, even if it’s something like “I know we don’t know each other well, but I’ll be holding you and your family in my heart.”
- If you want to offer help or support, offer options. Don’t say “Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you”. If you have capacity, help them with the mental load of figuring out what they need, and then it’s really important you follow through with intention. The person might not know what they want or need at that moment, but could potentially say yes to suggested ideas, like:
- “I can drive you to that appointment”
- “I can bring you food tomorrow night, do you want [favorite dish] or [other favorite dish]?”
- “Do you want me to come over and distract you with a [favorite show] viewing marathon?”
- “I’m happy to come over and just sit next to you and we can talk about them or not.”
- Offer to hear stories about their loved one. If you are close to the griever and feel comfortable, let them know you are there for any type of story they want to share: the high points and low ones. Our relationships with our loved ones can be complicated and those wounds don’t go away when they pass. For my own experience, I mostly wanted to tell funny Dad stories. It was only with time and therapy that it began to be important to talk about the painful ones. Follow the lead of the griever, and just make it an option. If you’re very close with the person and have your own stories about their loved one, check in to see if they want to hear your stories.
- “Whenever you want, I’m here to hear stories about and see photos of [their loved one].”
- “Do you want me to share my favorite story about [their loved one]?”
More important than the right words: Be there for them
This is a time when the old adage rings truest – your actions will speak louder than words. What you do, not what you say, matters most right now. Depending on your relationship with this person and your own capacity, this will look specific to each situation. If this is a close loved one, can you make space in your calendar and life to be extra available and flexible for them? Can you set reminders in your calendar to check in with their grief at the 6 month or year mark? Often there’s a flood of support right around the time of the loss, but it can quickly dissipate. It can feel really lonely during that first year of loss after the flood goes away, so staying in touch and checking in goes a long way.
I’ll end with a story. After my father’s funeral, my best friend drove me from my hometown back to college and came with me to my classes for a few days. She went above and beyond to be there for me. She also unintentionally said something inappropriate related to how my Dad died. When I pointed it out to her, I laughed, she was horrified, and I was ok! It did not break me. I was just so grateful to have my best friend with me and not feel alone.
As I said earlier in this post, nothing you do or say will take away the grieving person’s pain, and that’s not possible. If I could leave you with a goal as a member of the grieving person’s community, it’s to make sure they don’t feel alone as they ride the waves of grief and adjust to their life with this devastating heartbreak in it.
Dani Gotwalt is an Associate Therapist with Center for Mindful Psychotherapy. In her therapist bio, she says, in part “My style is collaborative, mindful, somatic, strength-based, compassionate, and (when appropriate) playful. You are the expert on your lived experience, and I’m here to walk alongside you as you become even more you!” Contact her about working together.